Salt
Lake City, Utah
July 2001
To
whom it may concern from Kathryn and Robert Steffensen:
We
are both fifth generation Latter-Day Saints and descendants
of Mormon pioneers. We met at the University of Utah and
have been married forty eight years. We are parents of
three sons and twin daughters. All have graduated from
college. Our two oldest sons and one daughter have law
degrees. Our other daughter is a pharmacist. Our youngest
son, Erik, graduated first in his class from Otis-Parsons
School of Art and Design. He is gay.
Our
four straight children served LDS missions in Brazil,
Germany, Japan and Holland. Both of our daughters have
passed away. Our two oldest sons married in the Salt Lake
Temple (as did we) and have enriched our lives with eight
grandchildren. These sons and their families live in Salt
Lake and one lives in our Ward, the Monument Park 14th
ward in the Monument Park Stake. We enjoy attending church
with them. Erik lives and works as an artist in Los Angeles.
We
are both retired educators. Kathryn was born in Logan,
Utah in 1931. Her father, Dr. Franklin L. West, was a
physics professor and dean of the faculty for twenty-eight
years at the Agricultural College (Now Utah State University).
In l934 he was called by President Heber J. Grant to be
the Church Commissioner of Education, a position he held
until he retired eighteen years later. He is the author
of five books. Three are texts for use in the seminaries
of the Church: Discovering the Old Testament, Jesus,
His Life and Teachings, and The Apostles and
the Early Church. His Sunday evening radio addresses
were compiled into the book, The Fruits of Religion.
He also wrote a biography of his grandfather, Franklin
Dewey Richards.
Kathryn's
father grew up in Ogden, Utah next door to his grandparents,
President of the Q Quorum of the Twelve Franklin D. Richards
and Jane Snyder Richards. Kathryn remembers the vivid
stories her father would tell of his relatives' involvement
in the affairs of the Church and of their intimate acquaintance
with the Prophet Joseph Smith. He was particularly impressed
by his gallant ninety-eight pound grandmother who drove
her own wagon team during the exodus from Nauvoo because
her husband was on a mission. She is the quintessential
pioneer woman and her tragic journey to Winter Quarters
has been the basis of Sesquicentennial plays in Iowa and
in the documentary, "Trail of Hope" where her
words, "I only lived because I could not die"
represented the courageous spirit of the pioneers. Her
words are still inspiring to her descendants whenever
they begin to lose heart.
Kathryn's
mother, Violet Madson West, was nurtured by the entire
Danish immigrant community in Brigham City, Utah. Everyone
was Cousin This and Uncle That. She was known as the most
beautiful girl in Box Elder County, and she caught the
eye of Franklin West at the annual Peach Day Celebration.
She was as beautiful inside as out, and was a wonderful
mother to Kathryn and her three siblings.
Kathryn
graduated from the U. of U. with a B.S. in Home Economics.
After her children were in school she went back to the
U. of U., earned a M. Ed. and taught second grade for
twenty years.
Robert
was born in SLC in 1926. He attended South High School,
the U. of U., BYU, and the U. of U. receiving a B.S.,
M.S., and Ph.D. respectively. He taught Seminary at Olympus
High School, was a counselor in Granite School District,
and an information system designer at the Utah State Office
of Education. He was an adjunct professor in the Graduate
School of Education at the U. of U. He served an LDS mission
to Norway, loves the gospel, and currently is an instructor
in the High Priest's group in the Monument Park 14th ward.
We
are telling you about our early lives and the influences
which shaped us to illustrate that nothing prepared us
for the possibility that one of our children might be
gay. We lived our entire lives in a very insular community
with little exposure to diversity. We accepted our culture's
messages that homosexuals were confused heterosexuals
and had chosen to live an abnormal lifestyle. We didn't
think that they should be persecuted and harmed but we
thought that they should be encouraged to change and should
not be around children. Actually we didn't think about
homosexuality very much.
We
recognized that Erik was different from his brothers when
he was a small child. We felt some concern, but since
we were fairly confident in our parenting skills, we didn't
think that we fit the stereotypical absent father and
overbearing mother who might cause a child to become homosexual--a
Freudian notion. We communicated through subtle messages
that we did not approve of homosexuality. We were convinced
that Erik was such a fine person that he would never make
such a choice. All of this did not prevent Erik from being
gay, but it did prevent us from being any support or help
to him during a very important part of his life.
His
teenage years were very difficult. He thought he was the
only gay person in his high school. He had no positive
role models. He had serious moments of despair. He later
told us that if he had believed the things that our culture
was telling him, he would have killed himself. But he
did not believe that he was evil. He believed he was a
person of worth. This innate belief in himself sustained
him through those years of isolation. In the meantime
we continued to socialize all of our children as heterosexual
and idealized temple marriage. As a result, the subject
of homosexuality was never openly discussed. Erik suffered
through this on his own.
As
parents, we carry a burden of guilt because we were not
prepared to help and support him through this difficult
period of his life. We unquestioningly accepted our society
and church's public disapproval of homosexuality. Erik
did not feel we could be trusted with his terrible secret.
He feared that we would throw him out of our home as he
knew other parents had done. Or we might enroll him in
the reparative therapy programs of electric shock and
aversion therapy which were conducted at BYU. Consequently
he struggled alone. He did not talk with his siblings,
friends, teachers or anyone. He did not see how he could
ever hope for a life of dignity and purpose. However,
his high school years were filled with personal accomplishment.
He had a group of outstanding friends who were admired
for their academic achievements and their extracurricular
activities. He did not experience any overt gay bashing.
He was a Sterling Scholar in art and attended the U. of
U. on an academic scholarship. He graduated from Otis-Parsons
School of Art and Design in Los Angeles.
When
he was twenty-two he told us that his only hope for a
productive life was to accept the reality of who he is
and to stop trying to become something he isn't. With
tears streaming down his cheeks he said, "I don't
think I am an evil person." These words broke our
hearts because he was and is one of the finest persons
we have ever known. We had suspected his homosexuality
for a long time, but thought if we ignored it, somehow
it would go away.
We
didn't know where to turn for help. We grieved because
of the loss of our expectations. We were (and still are)
fearful of the reactions of our friends, family, and members
of the church. We are alarmed by the level of hateful
speech directed toward gays. We are horrified by acts
of violence. We fear for Erik's safety. For several years
we kept this matter to ourselves. We were voiceless.
While
we were living in silence and isolation, Erik was embracing
life and opportunities. We were stagnating and he was
flourishing. He decided we needed to meet some other parents.
We didn't think that there were any other parents of gay
children in Utah and certainly not in the Church. We were
laughably naive. He called the national headquarters of
P-Flag and discovered there was a small group of people
who met in the home of Gerry Johnston each month. They
were known as "People Who Care." He insisted
that we attend. It was the first time we had openly stated
that we had a gay son. Gerry introduced us to the editors
of a newly published book, Peculiar
People. We began meeting each month with Marybeth
Raynes and Ron and Wayne Schow. This led to the first
Conference on Sexuality co-sponsored by the Graduate School
of Social Work at the U. of U. We were on the committee
for that conference in l993 and thus began our journey
out of ignorance and into gradual understanding and enlightenment.
It was not easy to shed all the myths and misinformation
with which we were so comfortable. We read voraciously,
and we discussed the subject endlessly. We became friends
with wonderful gays and lesbians who were leading productive
and meaningful lives. They were not the miserable, hopeless
people we had expected them to be. We grew to love the
L.D.S. parents with gay children whom we met at social
and educational events. They became our dearest friends
and truly a life line during our odyssey.
Ron
Schow asked us in l993 if we would be willing to be part
of a gay-friendly group of L.D.S. people who could extend
a hand of friendship to the gays and lesbians in our community.
The first meeting of the group which would become Family
Fellowship was held in our home. We didn't really have
an agenda. We didn't agree on what the Church's response
to its gay members should be or how gays and lesbians
should live their lives. But we could all agree that families
should not reject their gay members, and that all of God's
children should be loved and valued. In the ensuing years
the official Church pronouncements on the subject have
seemed harsh and hurtful. But to our knowledge never has
a General Authority publicly advised parents to turn their
gay children out of their homes and cut them out of their
lives. So we think that our original intention to build
bridges and offer unconditional love is still consistent
with the official Church teachings on the subject.
After
so many years of prayerful study and thought, we are very
different people than we used to be. We are more compassionate,
less judgmental, more dedicated to community service,
and more grateful. We are concerned about social injustice.
We have grown as human beings. We have come to believe
that the cause of homosexuality is very complex, consisting
of genetic, neurobiological, and hormonal factors. We
believe that it is involuntary and immutable. The term
"lifestyle" connotes choice. Neither heterosexuals
nor homosexuals choose their sexuality. They discover
it. Many researchers have concluded that sexuality is
determined at the early age of two to four years. We do
not believe that therapies designed to change orientation
are effective or morally defensible and can even cause
serious harm.
Since
Family Fellowship does not include advocacy for human
rights in its mission statement, we began to seek out
groups which work for social justice. We have been members
of the Salt Lake City P-Flag group since its beginnings.
We have made our services available to the National Conference
of Community and Justice which is the oldest anti-discrimination
organization in the U.S.A.
We
are supporters of the Gay and Lesbian Center in S.L.C.
We were featured in a KUED documentary, "Friends
and Neighbors - A Community Divided." This documentary
recently won a gold medal in an international competition.
We speak at the Sunstone Symposiums, which is one of the
few public forums with L.D.S. connections which addresses
this issue. We are quoted in the newspaper. We have become
accidental activists.
As
we became aware of the intolerance and discrimination
toward gay students at East High School by students, administration,
and parents; we sensed the need to form a Coalition for
Safe Schools which involves concerned members of our community.
We have been heartened by the success which a relatively
small number of dedicated citizens have been able to achieve
in reducing discrimination and raising awareness of a
systemic problem. This effort has placed us on a first-name
basis with the Salt Lake City Supt. of Schools, the principal
of East High, and the members of the Community Council.
Recently a juvenile judge assigned The Coalition for Safe
Schools responsibility for overseeing the community service
hours which were ordered by the judge as part of the sentence
of a student convicted of strong armed robbery and assault
on a lesbian student at East High. We were able to assist
this girl to complete her graduation requirements in spite
of her fear of attending school because the principal
refused to guarantee her safety. The girl's mother was
very grateful for our assistance.
We
are often asked about our relationship with the LDS church.
As we have already mentioned above, we are currently active
in the church and have participated in church activities
all our lives. We expect this to continue. Some of our
friends who have gay children have not been able to do
this because they have been made to feel that supporting
their gay children is contrary to the policies of the
church--namely, homosexuality is chosen and can be changed;
homosexual behavior is sinful; partnerships between two
homosexuals (i.e. marriage) is not sanctioned by the church
and is grounds for excommunication. While these policies
are troubling to us because of what we have learned about
homosexuality, we are not deterred from activity. Furthermore,
because our local church leaders know all about our positions
and participation in support groups and other groups which
promote equal opportunity under the law, we have been
able to maintain temple worthiness. Some of our friends
who have gay children are temple workers. Some are BYU
professors. All are some of the finest people we have
ever known. We admire them for their church service and
worthiness.
Because
the main problem regarding homosexuality is ignorance,
we have made a concerted effort to find several documents
and research information which we have organized into
a "packet" of information. In this packet, we
have documented our experience with our son, Erik, and
have mailed or distributed same to all of our relatives,
friends, members of our ward, our bishopric, and stake
presidency. The common response given by most is that
"we don't really know much about this." Upon
distributing the packet, we have received an overwhelmingly
positive response. Each member of our stake presidency
personally thanked us for the information and encouraged
us to continue our efforts.
We
believe that the restoration of the gospel and our God-given
children are totally compatible. We intend to continue
our activity in the church and we absolutely intend to
embrace and love our children. We hope that all LDS parents
of gay children will do the same.
With
kindest regards,
Kathryn
and Robert Steffensen
2500 Promontory Drive
SLC, Utah 84109
Phone: (801) 467-3773
